


Things I should’ve said (to you) but never did: a short journal by Bang Chan

by daughterofthesky



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Cheesy, Diary/Journal, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Letters, M/M, Metaphors, Moving On, Past Relationship(s), Poetic, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-11-01 08:49:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17864213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughterofthesky/pseuds/daughterofthesky
Summary: Bang Chan makes a list of all the things he wished he could've said to his now ex boyfriend Lee Felix.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> it's me again! sorry i've been gone for so long, i'm currently working on another au and it's consuming all of my time. i hope the wait was worth it, i've been writing this for a while now!  
> i dedicate this angsty as hell chanlix au to gee! i'm sorry i kept you waiting! i hope you like it :)  
> just like my hyunlix au, every chapter has a song that you can listen to while reading it! they lowkey inspired some of the things chan says to felix :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  [never not ; lauv](https://open.spotify.com/track/4fFfyouye6vrX9o9z4PVMu?si=oOfLU_QSSW-NVIqpg2zOqQ)

_Lee Felix._

_The boy who was there. And then was not._

 

_I don’t know how to start this. I don’t know how to write this without hurting you more than I already did. I don’t know how to write this without thinking of you because I have to think of you once more even though it tears me apart. I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I’m still heartbroken and I still find the need to cry because I haven’t moved on yet: my heart still needs to be stitched back together. It still beats, but it’s dead inside. You turned it pitch black. I wonder if it will recover its color. I wonder if it will beat against like it used to for you. Only time will tell._

_If you’re reading this it must mean we broke up. It must mean the worst is behind us._

_First off, I hope you’re happy, beaming in ecstasy, living everyday like it’s the last one and loving fully. I wouldn’t wish you nothing but the best. I hope your new life without me reflects the fact that you never needed me, that you’ve moved on and left us behind. I wish I could do the same._ _  
_

 

**_“The past is just the past, and we need to learn how to walk away from it before it catches up with us and harms us.”_ **

_But I can’t. That’s why I’m writing this. I need to access my thoughts, to order my head and my feelings. I wish I could write everything that goes through my heart and doesn’t leave. So, this is my attempt._

_I can’t promise you that what lies ahead will not hurt you. But I can promise you that after you’re done reading it, you’ll feel better. Your heart will feel lighter, and your mind will be at ease. It will heal us both. It will allow me to move on for my sake._

_I won’t have to blame myself anymore. The voices in my head will cease hurting me._

 

_ I won't ask for a second chance because I know you'd love to have me at your knees, begging for you. Begging for you to let me in again. I won't because I'll only fall deeper and deeper, and i'm still learning to pick myself up. I have so much to learn still. You're teaching me lessons about life, lessons I never thought someone like you could teach anyone. I underestimated you a lot these past few years, and that was a mistake. I made plenty of them, and I acknowledge them. Yet you made mistakes too. There's nothing more human than being broken yet having the ability to move on. And learning from mistakes. _

 

_Felix,_

_with the ginger hair and starflecked cheeks._

_A loaded weapon ready to kill. Such merciless and ruthless weapon in the shape of an angel. Pure soul, gentle smile. How could I have ever said no to you?_

_I’m not gonna blame you. We’re both to blame here. It just hurts that you always knew how to move on faster than the rest, you alway knew how to leave people behind._

_I don’t know how to do that; I don’t know how to leave you behind. I don’t think I even want to, to be honest. How is it possible to ever leave someone like you behind when you’re always in front of people and never behind them? I’ll have to figure it out._

_Maybe I reached out to you for so long I forgot how it’s like to feel wanted. How it is like to be held in somebody’s arms and know that no matter what happens, they won’t let go. That they won’t let you fall to the ground and shatter like glass. They have you in their arms and that’s the only thing that matters. You were the only thing that ever mattered to me, and sometimes I still wish I could’ve been the same to you._

_Yet time has passed and I can’t find the warmth in you that lured me for so long. I stayed more than I should’ve and that is a regret I’m going to have to carry for the rest of my life._

_I wonder what hurts you the most: that you stayed with me, or wishing I had never left. I’ve asked myself that question over and over again, hoping that I would find an answer, and I’ve tortured myself with it ever since i stepped out the door and walked away. I still can’t figure it out. Maybe I never will, and that’s ok. I don’t have all the answers and neither do you and that’s ok._

_Let me let you go. That’s what you always did best, telling people what to do._

_I don’t want to live in the past anymore. This is my way of walking forwards, of getting away from everything that was once a home to me. I think now more than ever I understand the phrase “nothing is forever” which is entirely true: we weren’t made to be a forever. We were made to be a once in a lifetime._

_I had the privilege of knowing you. I had the curse of dying with it,too._

_So many secrets I kept that continued to burden me down even though I was already on the ground. So many times I drowned in your tears because you wanted to swim but couldn’t. I was buried alive next to every single secret you kept shoving down my throat. I’m still underground._

_Those secrets are shards now, encrusted in my gut, though perhaps its edges will dull with time. I, myself, am in shards too: my body has broken down to fragments on the floor, scared and waiting for the next wind to blow me away. I always wait._

_I wanted it to be spring so badly I forgot there was winter in between. I forgot that when the warmth disappears, the cold creeps through the skin and freezes the heart. I have been living in a never ending cold ever since. Someday I know I’ll get used to it. Or maybe someday it’ll become a part of me too._

_Maybe I wanted to have my heart broken by you. Maybe I gave you the weapon to murder me without knowing it. Or maybe I did know, but convinced myself you wouldn’t pull the trigger. You were always a man of action, and I should’ve known you would be the first one to act. I should’ve been faster, but there’s no winning against you._

_Perhaps I thought that by breaking my heart, I would break yours in the process as well. I was wrong. There is no breaking you because you rise higher than the rest, you take somebody’s pain and forge it until you’re above them, standing tall like a skyscraper. You look down on everyone. You’re unreachable._

_I’ve come to think you never truly loved someone before in your life. I was the first one; hopefully I will be the last. No person should go through what I went through with you. No person deserves that pain._

_Your love hurts. And you don’t even know it._

_But the purpose of this letter is not to bring you down, to tell you who you are; you know exactly what kind of person you are and the pain you caused in me. You always knew everything._

_I made a list of things I wish I could’ve said to you but never did. Things that I kept inside of me when we were together. Something always managed to hold me back. Perhaps it was your words. Perhaps I was just frightened: I was scared of the truth that lay in your eyes. I didn’t want that truth. I never liked it, unlike you._

_These are some of your traits, part of your personality that I noticed along the way of loving you:_

 

  * __Greed__


  * __Jealousy__


  * __Liar__



 

_You're much more than that but maybe you won’t acknowledge them. I don’t care: it’s the truth. Not my truth, but the universal truth. I’m not saying I’m not flawed, I’m saying I do acknowledge my imperfections but you don’t. I know you never will, it’s just not in your nature. I can’t force you to open your eyes and look at something you don’t want to. That’s the real purpose of all of this. I want to try to open your eyes to the person you truly are (or at least the person you were to me)._

_I don’t think there’s something wrong with a little bit of honesty. I’m just asking for your time. And your heart, to open it. It’s been closed for so long._

_You’re hurting your heart. And you don’t even know it._

  
  
_Bang Chan._


	2. Greed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [hostage ; billie eilish](https://open.spotify.com/track/1WsEgieHsWWndAzLkmV105?si=0wFLpX7VRO2mHunYWkYucw)

_I never fully understood the meaning of the word_ **_greed_ ** _until I met you. Until I let you under my skin and into my life and I gave you the power to tear me to pieces. You had desires that I couldn’t fulfill, maybe that’s why you trashed me out. I couldn’t fill you up. You took me out of the way, like I was a distraction, a nuisance. You got rid of me because I was of no use to you. You made me feel used, and empty, and unuseful. You made me inhuman and for that I hated you the longest time._

 

_Yet I can’t hate you._

 

 _I wasn’t what you needed; I was what you_ _wanted_ _. You always wanted so many things, maybe hoping that they would fill the emptiness inside of you. There’s no filling it. I had to learn that hard lesson. I do hope someone comes around, someone worth of your love and desires and wants, and fills you up. I hope you don’t drown them in your ocean like you did with me. I hope they are enough._

 

_I put everything into our love but you didn’t do the same. Maybe that’s why it only shattered me. ~~My time and dedication and patience were all in vain~~. No, it was not in vain; loving you was unavoidable. It was unstoppable. I couldn’t have possibly known it was going to be a nightmare. _

 

_But it wasn’t all a nightmare. It was the exact moment when a blissful dream turns into a desperate chase and you want to desperately wake up, only you can’t. It felt as if the dream hadn’t been a dream at all, just an undercover nightmare. You were blissful, a dream, but it was only a facade. It was only a mask. Now I don’t know how to fall asleep if it’s not by your side. You have haunted me._

 

_And the worst thing is, I don’t see anything wrong with that._

 

_I wish our love would have been as greedy as you are. We’re not the same._

_I felt like a_ _hostage_ _. You crawled inside my veins and you built a wall around me I didn’t know how to break down. You never gave me any weapons, you kept them to yourself. It was not like you to be so mean. It was not like me to let my defenses down._

_And when we would argue you would kiss my neck hoping it’d be enough to calm me down. You would take the pain away, shut me up with kisses across my lips. You would confuse me, make me wonder if it was true because I didn’t know what was true. I didn’t know what felt true. That was when you would be the most gentle to me, the most affectionate. I wish you could’ve been like that all the time, not just when I hated you._

_You wanted to steal my soul and hide it in a treasure chest. I’m sorry I didn’t let you._

_I never wanted to be a hostage of your love. I never signed up for it._

_I was all you ever wanted. Until I was not. Until you found other toys to play with._

_I’m easy to replace. That hurts more than anything else. You could literally snap your fingers and have a line of people ready to love you recklessly. Yet they’ll never get to know you like I did. No one will. Though, of course, that’s up to you. I doubt you will ever open your heart up to anyone else._

 

_You always wanted so many things from me but you never got them all. You will never have me all to yourself. I won’t give you the privilege of owning me. I won’t give you the privilege of being the first thing I think of before going to sleep and the first thought of the morning. You don’t deserve that._

 

_No one will ever truly fill you up. That’s something you need to learn to do for yourself._

 

_Real love hurts. But fake love hurts more. Up to this day I don’t know if it was real or not. I don’t even think you have that answer._

 

_I wanna be alone. For the first time in my life I want to be entirely alone because I don’t feel complete. I don’t feel human. Parts of me are missing and I'm entirely a disarray of emotions I never had before. I never felt so many things at once before. It sucks. I want it all to stop. I want to stop feeling, just for a minute._

 

_I feel destructive, like you. I’m only angered. I have so much anger inside of me, I’m afraid it’ll burst out in flames. Everything inside of me burns. I’m afraid I’ll burn everything down. I’m afraid I’ll hurt people just like you did. I don’t ever want to become you._

 

_But I still feel like a hostage despite it all. I’m a hostage of our love._

 

_Yet you weren’t greedy: you just wanted the love you couldn’t give. You only wanted love, you only wanted me. You were greedy for something you couldn’t have, so you weren’t greedy at all. You were human._

 

_I want to be human, too._

 

_Bang Chan._


	3. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>    
>  [without me ; halsey](https://open.spotify.com/track/5p7ujcrUXASCNwRaWNHR1C?si=ARuT9lO-T6WS-s7AbyZLAQ)  
>    
> 

_Every single person is jealous at least once in their life. But you weren’t jealous; you were riptides and hurricanes of anger centered on destroying everything in your way. You were destructive. I was destructive. You walked with needles under your feet. I made the rain fall upon us every day._

_You were possessive. You wanted me only to yourself._

_You were afraid of leaving me on my own. Maybe you were jealous I’d make it on my own without you. Or maybe you were jealous I knew what I was doing, but you didn’t._

 

_Maybe you were jealous I had my life figured out, and you hadn’t. Either way, it’s all in the past now, behind us. I don’t have my life figured out anymore because I ripped it apart when I left. You took it home when you left. You now own the alternative life I could be living if it wasn’t for your jealousy. How does it feel being up there? Don’t you get lonely?_

 

_Where did the anger come from? I know back then I was not the one hurting you. I don’t know who hurt you, I don’t know where the anger came from. Those are things I’ll never know. I don’t want to know them anymore; I don’t want to have anything to do with you. You’re my past, not my present and never my future. I want to end it all here._

 

_I thought I couldn’t live without you. The thing is, you were afraid I’d leave you alone with your demons; you couldn’t live without me. I don’t know how you convinced me it was the other way around,  I don’t know why I let you get inside my mind._

 

_I was always the one to put you right back on your feet. But you took advantage of me; you were jealous of my power. I took your demons and made them mine; I don’t know why I did that. I don’t wanna say you persuaded me to unconsciously do it but I have no other choice. I wish you would give me answers._

_Jealousy brought out the worst in you. Albeit, it brought the best in you, too. You were happy when you were with me. I made the smile in you come out like no other person could. Like no sunny day, favourite movies ever did. You were protective,and it made me feel wanted, loved. You told me you’d catch me if I fell._

 

_You were loving. You cared about me. You protected me from the outside world. That wasn’t jealous, you didn’t want me all to yourself: you wanted to hide me from the rest of them because I didn’t need them. I only needed you. You only needed me._

 

**_“Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.”_ **

 

_Jealousy is deadly. It blinded me. My love for you was blind. Your love for me was jealous. The heart wants what it wants, after all, and there’s nothing we can do to control it. So I’m letting it go, setting my heart free. You should do the same._

 

**_“Never hate people who are jealous of you, but respect their jealousy. They’re people who think you are better than them.”_ **

 

_I don’t think that’s entirely true in this case, that you truly thought I was better than you. But, either way, I don’t hate you. I don’t wanna hold anything against you._

 

_I’ve been a hostage for so long. Without you, without the chains, I’m breaking free. Without you, I’m finally me. The me I’ve always wanted to be._

 

_Your jealousy taught me things no other feeling did. It taught me that love and hate dangle by a string; they’re fragile things. We need to take care of them before they snap, and they merge, and they become jealousy._

 

_Like I said before, jealousy is deadly. Please, take care of yours before it kills you._

 

_Bang Chan._


	4. Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  [i hate you, i love you ; gnash ft. olivia o'brien](https://open.spotify.com/track/7vRriwrloYVaoAe3a9wJHe?si=iKXCPeB4QuGogaA7KsQUmA)

_It’d be a lie if I said I never lied to you. I did try to tell you the truth most of the times, so that I wouldn’t hurt you. You didn’t do the same and it showed._

 

 _I wonder if you miss me like I used to miss you. I wonder if you lied that you were fine without me. I’m sorry I lied telling you I was over you. I clearly wasn’t. I’m still not, but I hope someday I’ll make it out of here alive. I hope I’ll get over you. I want to get over you so badly. I_ _need_ _to._

 

_Every liar tells a truth once in a while. I know you weren’t always as fake as you seemed to the rest of them. I was the only one who could see beyond that. I know you thought you never meant to hurt people. You didn’t; your words did. Your actions did._

 

_I would be lying if I said I saw it all coming. You can’t predict a shooting star. You can’t predict a nightmare. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore, and I certainly don’t want to lie to you: there’s a part of me that unexplainably still loves you. I don’t know why. I really wish I wouldn’t._

 

_I guess we don’t really have control over things. No one ever does. Except you; you always had control over me._

 

_I was never your possession, never yours to keep. My mistake was believing your lies. Your mistake was lying all the time._

 

**_“I don’t know how someone could tell so many lies, and not feel bad about it.”_ **

 

_Maybe you did feel bad. But I rarely think that’s the case; you just never showed it. They would flow out of you so easily, so fast, like a river. I don’t think you ever thought the lies through, you told them like saying hello. Like it was the simplest thing. I’m certain you never felt bad about the lies you told._

 

_But the lies were part of you. I should’ve known all along that you would be the type of person to stab people with a knife instead of cutting the ropes that hold you down. You weren’t as predictable as I thought you were._

 

_I did underestimate your lies though. I thought they wouldn’t hurt me. That’s why I stayed for so long: maybe I was waiting for you to tell me just one truth. Maybe I was waiting for you to change. Maybe I was hoping you’d change because of me. Who did I think I was? Just like my love for you, you’re unchangeable._

 

_Your lies were poison, venom rising in my veins until they reached my heart. You never noticed you were slowly killing me. And then I knew it was time to leave._

 

_My heart now has a caution tape around it. I’m terrified of people attaching to it and realizing it’s empty. You drained it out and it’s now a corpse of our love._

 

_People always leave in the end. I didn’t lie when I told you I still haven’t moved on. But I lied telling you that I didn’t hate you. Because sometimes, late at night when the world is asleep and I’m about to drive off in slumber, and I remember you, and your freckled face comes to mind, I still do._

 

_Bang Chan._


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  [11:11 ; taeyeon](https://open.spotify.com/track/2Y4iTaIAamhYPyZcOdfL3g?si=ZwhTsk6AQdaaOHL9IGrFtg)

_This is all I wanted to say. I don't think it was much compared to the damage you caused in me. It's rather short, compared to all the things that are going through my mind._

 

_Everything reminds me of you. Why is that? The path we made together, I'll have to erase it. Still, I linger in the same place._

 

_You were a lot of things I don’t have time nor want to say. You weren’t just greedy and jealous and a liar; you were much more than that. You were self destructive and pushy and possessive and selfish as well. I guess I was, too. But you were human, and that’s what I always loved the most about you: how human your feelings were. How raw and passionate and impulsive you were. Caring and competitive and strong. Always there to watch me fall like snow, like rain. Break like glass._

_Always destroying everything in your way. You harmed yourself and ended up harming me as well. But there was once a truth in your words: we're not meant for each other. I should've known sooner, before you destroyed me._

_Always so pushy, forcing me to do things I didn't want. But there was only affection lying behind it: you wanted to make me a better person, you wanted me to be the best version of myself I could be, always trying to make me go up in life. In the end it was all just to watch me fall because of you._

_Always claiming things that weren't yours and being possessive. You were always so angry, so irrational. But there was love hiding underneath it all: you were afraid I'd leave you alone. I did leave you alone, for my sake. You never owned me._

_Always stealing what didn't belong to you; stealing my words and my kindness and even myself. But there was healing with it too; you stole my demons. You stole the voices in my head that had tormented me for the longest time. But you merged our demons and the voices and left them all to me. You turned me into my deepest fear._

_Always thinking about you and never about the rest, about me. You never cared about anyone else and you were selfish, not just with me but with the world. Our love was selfish. I wish I would've been selfish too, just a little bit at least._

 

_You took all of me. What's left? When will this be over? Will I ever get over this break up? Will I forget you?_

 

_Someday I'll find a new home in someone, just like I found one in yours. But everything's cold without you. This heartbreak is cold. It feels like concrete drying in my chest. This heartbreak was not unexpected though, unlike the rest of them, but it was fast — top of the world one minute, cut down the next. Why was that? Was there a part of you that disliked my happiness?_

_Was there a part of you that disliked seeing me happy when you were miserable? You do know I was just trying to help you, right? I worked so hard to help you. I'm sorry I failed. I know I let you down. But perhaps it was your way of returning to the feelings you were most comfortable with, your chance to dwell in pain and pessimism once more. Yet I couldn't live there, couldn't dwell there. You've broke my heart so many times it has forgotten how to love again. It has lost its ability to heal._

 

_We weren't always like this, were we? We weren't always damaged and broken. We were full of life, we were gardens filled with flowers and butterflies, and we were clear blue skies and spring and heart shaped envelopes and we were poems about love and being in love and we were sweet, like chocolate. We were puzzles, pieces made to be fit together. Because we belonged to each other. And we felt like the world had made us for one another because everything just seemed to fit to perfection. Yet maybe we were pieces from different puzzles, people from different worlds._

 

_I know it isn't as endless as it looks. As my heart broke so did I, dying a little more every time you treated me as an enemy. Who knows? Maybe we were just rivals but honestly, I was the easiest target._

 

_I know it's odd to say this but,_

 

_Thank you for breaking me. Thank you for ripping me apart and burning me until there was nothing left of me. I can change from the pain and move on. You made me a better person. I turned into something beautiful and it’s all thanks to you._

 

_I think I turned you into a better person too somehow._

 

_I know i will find love again. You will, too. There's always love after love._

 

_All of this, someday, will pass. Like a strange flower that blooms between seasons, like a morning star that hangs between days, I'll rise. I'll rise higher than your skyscraper. And I'll smile, as if nothing had happened. Nothing will ever hurt as much as it does now. Soon, I'll be over you._

 

_The truth is, you’re drowning in an ocean of your uncried tears. You just need to learn how to swim._

 

_Thank you for breaking me. I never understood it before. It used to sound like a permission, albeit retroactive, to hurt someone. I get it know; only a lover can wound so deep, cut to the very core. You broke me and watched me bleed. You turned me into someone I didn’t recognize. After all, what can there possibly be left underneath but the untouchable part of me, my soul, the person you can never hurt. I can’t be more raw than that, more exposed, more pure. So thank you, because now thanks to you I have a strong heart, and can love again with it. This time it won’t break. This time I’ll rise too, like a phoenix from its ashes, and I’ll love wholeheartedly._

_Thank you for breaking my heart._

 

_Bang Chan._

_The one who was always there for you. And then was not._

**Author's Note:**

> kudos/comments are always appreciated!  
> reminder that english is not my first language! mistakes are likely to appear  
> if you liked this au, i've written a similar one that you can check out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16226996/chapters/37930868) ;) think of it as a lowkey prequel or something idk dhfj


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